Archive for October, 2009

Blogular bombardment

Thursday, October 29th, 2009

I think this is my sixth blog post so far today, and Big Ben is comfortably half an hour from chiming for midday. Most priviliged have my readership-of-three been on this cloudiest of Thursdays. Or cursed depending on how you view this blog.

I am clearly procrastinating the more important tasks I am meant to be undertaking. I did intend to give up procrastinating, but I haven’t quite got round to it yet. It’s on my To-Do list. I’m now getting to that state of mind which Facebook-users often enter, whereby they share their most inane of thoughts via a status update. Here I am, sat in my desk chair (which is actually a rock hard chair I stole from the dining area of the dwelling), actually contemplating sharing with you my increasingly strong conviction that McVities digestives taste overwhelmingly of salt.

(There, I snuck it in without you actually noticing. Via blogular stealth. I’m glad I got that thought out of my head. It was beginning to trouble me. Shouldn’t the milk chocolate ones taste more of chocolate than salt? I think they should. But ’salt chocolate digestives’ does not sound like such an alluring form of sustenance).

This particular blog post is now zipping about all over the place like a domestic housefly who has been feeding on Relentless Energy Drink. Somebody from New York went on this blog the other day, although only for five seconds according to my complicated techy analysis thingy which works these things out. They must be an exceptionally quick reader. I have also had repeat visits from Leeds. Even someone from Wolverhampton checked out the site. It’s going global.

Now I shall take my leave, under the fear that I have revealed myself to be more of a buffoon within the last six blog posts than you already suspected I was, which I would estime is a difficult feat to have achieved. Must dash. Toodlepip.

Michael Rosen: Crusading to end the hateful reign of SATs

Thursday, October 29th, 2009

Michael Rosen is a legend of unimaginable legendary status. He would have achieved this if all he had done was to write We’re Going On a Bear Hunt, which happens to be one of the best picture books of all time. But the nation’s favourite googly-eyed children’s author has performed many more acts of admirable splendifidousness besides penning said book. In the Faculty of Education library yesterday, I was on my way to search the catalogue of books when his beaming face shined up at me from the front of the NUT’s magazine.

In this edition, he elaborated on his distaste for the SATs, something which he has done in the Guardian on a previous occasion. Instead, he would prefer to concentrate educational efforts on endearing our nation’s children to the wealth of tremendous literature around them. Yet, what the government would rather us do is to induce anxiety in our youngsters from an early age by subjecting them to a barrage of worksheets.

Rosen is just another example of what wonderful things might be achieved if only education was left to people who really know about it, rather than the detached suits at Whitehall who use Google to decide on their next policy for schooling. All is far from lost though, I definitely sense that there is a rising resentment for governmental imposition of ill-thought out policies which mis-interpret the findings produced by those in educational research. In the next two decades, I would expect to see the education professionals seizing back the initiative. Watch them. Me included, hopefully.

80p for the Evening Star?! Approximately eighty pence too expensive.

Thursday, October 29th, 2009

Something always changes when I head back to Ipswich. A building may have been demolished, another may have been put up. Shops may have closed, others may have opened. This weekend witnessed a change which was arguably more surprising than any. The hapless local newspaper, the Evening Star, now charges eighty pence for it’s Friday edition. Much like when somebody appears on Dragon’s Den and suggests that their new invention – ‘The Cheese-grate-o-matic 8000′ or such like – values their company at £10 million, I sense that they are overestimating their worth.

Who knows, maybe there is more of a market for tales of paradoxically outstanding mediocracy than I thought. Or maybe not, seeing as the local newspaper industry is floundering. The Evening Star incidentally put an article on their website a few weeks ago about a chip-shop owner from Wales who discovered a pie with the image of Tommy Cooper emblazoned by chance upon the underneath of its crust. Quality journalism for you.

Oh, and bad news about the bike.

Thursday, October 29th, 2009

Scarcely had I ridden three miles on my beautiful mountain bike when I re-sustained some kind of puncture. I only discovered the damage as I was wheeling my bike from the back yard with the intention of transporting it to Cambridge on Monday. Curse Fortuna for her bad luck this time.

Anyhoo, my misery is currently being kept in check by the brilliant fact that The Macarena has just begun blazing from my computer speakers amidst an inspired choice from the iTunes shuffle function. I must leave now, in order to boogie.

Max Fayers steals back fraternal darts championship from elder sibling

Thursday, October 29th, 2009

The Empress public house, last night: Max Fayers regained the Fayers Fraternal Darts Championship trophy from his elder brother amidst an embarrassing defeat on the latter’s part. After facing a 20 to 14 defeat on a game of ‘Around the World’, Oliver squandered numerous opportunities to wrap up the 501 game by landing a double, in face of ample chances to do so. Following his loss, Oliver was seen trudging skulkily on his nine-step journey from the establishment to his own front door, grumbling incoherently to himself about the cruel treatment received from Fortuna whilst being in said pub.

Lack of opposition leaves Olly Fayers prime candidate to secure HUS Primary PGCE Officer position

Thursday, October 29th, 2009

As of 10:17am this morning, the only nominee for the position of Primary PGCE Officer on the Homerton Union of Students was this writer. With the closing of nominations a mere 1 hour and fourty-three minutes away, it looks as though the difficult part of the election will not prove troublesome. I should explain that the lack of opposition is not due to some soviet-style secret police which I operate in order to ‘disappear’ my adversaries. I did not have to involve them on this occasion, which is convenient due to the expense required to utilise their services. The lack of opposition is due to the fact that nobody wants the post.

Nonetheless, the election will not prove as easy as Gordon Brown’s ascension to Prime Minister. I do still need to be elected. I can’t worm my way in through some other unconstitutional means, even if that is the precedent set by our infamously slack-jawed leader.

What I need is fifty votes from other Homertonians, but there are only 150 or so people on our splendid course. That means I need to persuade about one in three people to vote for me. I have a dreadful sense that good ol’ Ron (or Re-Open Nominations to call him by his full name) may yet prise this electoral campaign from my grasp, the swine. Further updates in this epic contest between myself and Ron will of course be forthcoming.

One of the best books I have ever read

Wednesday, October 28th, 2009

Last Saturday, during a long weekend returning to good ol’ Ipswich, my mum, dad and I went out for a coffee in nearby Woodbridge. Naturally, I did not partake in coffee-drinking, owing to my conviction that it smells pleasant but tastes like hell. The jaunts to Woodbridge have always been frequent since their branch of Costa Coffee opened to perpetuate my Dad’s addiction; I just love the place because they have a tremendous Oxfam bookshop there.

This particular purveyor of pre-owned literature is a favourite of mine. Whilst I was frequenting the establishment on Saturday, searching for something to distract my brain from compelling me to feast on more chocolate, my Mum managed to pick out a book and recommended it to me. I should here explain that my mum knows books. She knows them well. Your knowledge of books is inevitably vastly inferior to hers. She keeps the book industry afloat during hard times, and should essentially carry some kind of goodwill fiction ambassador title. On this occasion, the book brought to my attention was John Kennedy Toole’s A Confederacy of Dunces.

Over the next few days, it seemed increasingly like one of the best novels I have ever read. In the last year, I’ve read a few modern classics. Catcher in the Rye seemed somewhat overhyped, and the popularity of The Great Gatsby is mystifying. Confederacy of Dunces, meanwhile, is marvellous. The descriptive writing in the work is completely unparalleled, and the depth of the characters, and the richness with which you get to know them, is immense. Toole also manages to write in local dialect without producing a maddeningly dreadful load of prose, which is always an accomplishment.

The character of Ignatius J. Reilly, the book’s main instigator, is one of the most fascinating fictional creations I have yet come across. I defy you to read this book, and not to begin wording stinging criticisms of things in the eloquent-yet-verbose manner of Ignatius. Mr. Reilly’s way with words stops nowhere short of a total mastery of the English language. His words are as poetic as they are hilarious.

Mr. Toole himself committed suicide twelve years prior to the publication of this book. It is said that one of his chief reasons for doing so was his frustration that others did not share his view of the work as a comic masterpiece. This is ironic and tragic, and is yet further evidence of the blurred line between genius and insanity. The novel is a comic masterpiece. I certainly don’t remember reading a funnier book. To me, it’s on a par with The Hitch-hikers Guide to the Galaxy, which itself is truly outstanding. Aside from being funny, this book does well to put across the difficulty of an existence in which you believe in your own worldview, but find others rallying against it.

Right next to my copy of The Ragged Trousered Philanthropists, this book now has sacred status amongst my possessions.

Pun Oozage

Wednesday, October 28th, 2009

About two hours ago, I made a pun and failed to realise that I had done so. I have begun to engage in such an elevated level of punnery that puns are seeping out without me noticing. I cannot tell you what this particular pun was – out of context it will undoubtedly fail to impress. You will therefore forgive me for withholding this glorious wordplay from you on this instant. Nonetheless, puns are oozing and seeping out subconsciously now. I am pun-ologically incontinent. A puddle of punnery has accumulated, and the stench of wordplay is thick in the air.

I felt I had better share that with you all.

El Martino’s Noche Mexicano

Wednesday, October 28th, 2009

Last Thursday evening our house took a Mexican twist, with Martin being reborn as ‘El Martino’. Far from being an identity crisis, this was his opportunity to entertain housemates and guests with a fiesta of enchaladas and some Corona beer. The aformentioned invitees were rendered content with the unprecedentedly terrific quality of central-American cuisine, whilst my rather ominous selection of Latino music provided an apt backdrop.

We even made a cactus from several sheets of A4 paper, some sellotape, and a lot of green pencil. You can’t go into the primary-teaching game without being profficient display-makers y’know.

And so the first of many theme-nights at the legendary Dogg-house has begun. M-Dogg’s act will prove hard to follow, but Jess has already begun the pre-event hype for next Thursday’s cuisine. Coming soon: La Nuit Francaise de Mademoiselle Jessique.

The most pointless blog post in the world…

Wednesday, October 28th, 2009

… is this one right here.