I’m going to post a little review of a standard meal at one of the Carluccio’s restaurants which are popping up everywhere with increasing regularity, lest others venture into their establishments expecting a meal of any reasonable quality.

Carluccio’s really ought to be good. The man himself, a cheery old Italian named Antonio, is charismatic in his appearances during TV food scheduling. Meanwhile, the restaurants themselves are normally nicely designed; they tend to be coupled with a cafe or shop where you can procure premium-quality cooking goods and coffee.

Despite this, a meal from Carluccio’s itself is lacklustre. It lacks lustre so much, that a milligram of lustre is not to be found anywhere on its premises. It is, unfortunately, a lustre-free environment.

I have long said that you can judge a pizza restaurant by it’s margherita pizza; Carluccio’s does not deal in those beautifully delicious round nourishment disks, so my hypothesis is that you can judge this italian restaurant by its garlic bread. Their recipe appears akin to the following: chop off the end bit of a slice of bread, but make sure you’ve cut it thick. Make it very greasy and burn the back, creating a taste reminiscent of a supermarket’s economy garlic bread.

Last time I visited a Carluccio’s, I had a lasagna, which is what I did last night. I should have known better; Findus make better ones to pop in the microwave. This may well have been a microwave lasagna. It certainly resembled one.

Their service was a little slow, but polite, so I can’t really fault it. Nonetheless, you can be as pleasant as you like (and pleasant the waiting staff were), but if the food is so far below par that par is a possibly imaginary and invisible point in the sky, nobody should go to the restaurant anyhow.

My recommendation of Carluccio’s restaurant after two visits: avoid.