‘This Gate is In Constant Use’ – In the United Kingdom, it is common to see a sign which reads: ‘No Parking Here At All Times: This Gate is In Constant Use’. Subtle variations thereof are also abundant. As with many things on planet Earth, the factual message is not depicting the actual truth. The implication is that the owner of the gate is so often to be found moving things in or out of the territory behind the gate that he/she cannot risk said gate being obstructed. The truth is that the gate is never used. It is conceivable that the owner of the gate put the sign up as a form of ironic joke which humans have no choice but to take seriously, but would undoubtedly launch a ‘no win, no fee’ lawsuit should you yourself park in front of the ever-unused gate.

Olly’s Encyclopaedia of Life on Earth is committed to providing people with a realistic account of life and society on Earth.

Up to 50% Off – This phrase is commonly found plastered on a shop’s windows, and is used as a sales tactic. The implication of the phrase – that items will be half price – differs from the real meaning. ‘Up to’ is the crucial term here. Basically, upon entering the shop you will find that any products of use remain at their usual price. Products with less use but some charm will be reduced by 10% or so, and only complete and utter crap, or nothing at all, will be reduced by 50%. As with similar phrases denoting percentages, the ‘50′ is a variable, and its specific figure means little due to the emptiness of the phrase when it is used. This phrase is nearly always amusingly coupled, in small type, with ‘on selected items’.

Olly’s Encyclopaedia of Life on Earth is committed to providing people with a realistic account of life and society on Earth.

Exam – An exam is a test taken at an education or training institution. The participants are asked to answer questions with little relevance to real life, under conditions very unrepresentative of the real world, in order that it may reveal how they will cope in real situations. As with many situations on Earth, particularly in the ‘western societies’, the logic of their existence is distorted. The exams themselves, known formally as ‘examinations’, seem rather pointless but actually maintain the important function on Earth of separating those who can write quickly from those who cannot.

Olly’s Encyclopaedia of Life on Earth is committed to providing people with a realistic account of life and society on Earth.

Suspect Package – A suspect package is something which causes police in England to regularly stop anyone entering an important place like a train station, a main road, or a terminal in an airport. Essentially, for a package to qualify as ’suspect’, it must fall under the category of ‘package’. The contents themselves mean nothing, as a suspect package often contains just that. A suspect package is astronomically unlikely to deserve the status of ’suspect’. [Special thanks to the Metropolitan police for sealing off Knightsbridge for no apparent reason t'other week].

Olly’s Encyclopaedia of Life on Earth is committed to providing people with a realistic account of life and society on Earth.

May Contain Nuts – This phrase is commonly found on the packaging of food products on planet Earth. Essentially, the phrase means “does not contain nuts unless the word ‘nut’ is in the name of the product”. The phrase is found mostly on products which have very little to do with nuts, for the supposed benefit of those whose bodies do not tolerate consumption of nuts.

Olly’s Encyclopaedia of Life on Earth is committed to providing people with a realistic account of life and society on Earth.

Deluxe – When the name of a purchasable product contains the word ‘deluxe’, ‘deluxe’ denotes that the product is a cheaper and less robust imitation of a deservedly more successful product. OEoLoE would advise not buying anything which purports to be ‘deluxe’

Olly’s Encyclopaedia of Life on Earth is committed to providing people with a realistic account of life and society on Earth.

30 % Less Fat – When the packaging for a food product contains the slogan 30% less fat, where 30% is a variable which can be replaced with any number, the phrase means variously ‘30% more salt than before’, ‘30% more sugar’ or ‘now with 30% more dangerously artificial chemicals’. Similarly, the phrase ‘only 2% fat’, where 2% is a variable which can be replaced with any preposterously low number, means ‘98% diabetes inducing chemicals’.

Olly’s Encyclopaedia of Life on Earth is committed to providing people with a realistic account of life and society on Earth.