Posts Tagged ‘unimpressive’

Feel every word. Please.

Sunday, July 25th, 2010

Waterstones, the high street chain of bookshops, has rebranded. Serifs and capital letters were soooooo 20th century, and with that in mind, they are no longer to be found anywhere near a new Waterstones logo. Looky here:

 Heaven forbid a capital letter or a serif should make itself into a companys logo in the 21st century.

Heaven forbid a capital letter or a serif should make itself into a company's logo in the 21st century.

As part of this amazingly radical image change, which is sure to put the noses of hardcore Waterstonian traditionalists out of joint, Waterstones has a new slogan. It is – (drumroll please) – “feel every word“.

I would imagine that the marketing team wish for a full stop and dramatic pause after each word in their new tagline.

I mean, look at “feel every word”. What does that actually mean? That when you read the word “and” as a connective in a poorly written sentence of a poorly written book, your toes will curl up in irrepressible ecstasy because you bought the title from Waterstones?

Waterstones is precisely the place where you’re less likely to ‘feel every word’ of a book than anywhere else. You have more chance of feeling the words, whatever that actually means, if you amble down to an independent bookshop with a limited range, and pick up a book which a member of staff may well have ordered in themselves, and might have something to say about it.

Waterstones stores are positively sterile compared to independent book shops. You would go there because you can probably find the title you’re looking for, because it probably is a reasonably popular book. It will cost a reasonable price – probably about average. Everything about Waterstones is reasonable and average. The extreme high of ‘feeling every word’ can not be found within its identikit confines on the high street of anytown.

Put simply, Waterstones know that they’re lying if they suggest that by purchasing your books through them, as opposed to anywhere else, you are more likely to engage in textual intercourse with the book you’ve procured. The slogan is a feeble attempt to address the exact deficiency you’re met with by shopping at a standard chain retailer.

I cannot be bothered to sift through the numerous other examples of laughably misleading slogans, but I wish they were as honest as Pepsi’s slogan in the Ricky Gervais flick The Invention of Lying. It was this: “Pepsi – for when they don’t have Coke”. Spot on.

The night bus which wasn’t the right bus

Saturday, July 24th, 2010

Thursday night was the night before the end of term. It was a strange night to have the staff end-of-year leaving do, because the next day was still a school day, but this didn’t seem to impact on celebrations. A group of us descended on a Tapas bar/restaurant near Kings Cross, where we were to remain for the evening.

As I said in my previous post, this new school of mine is characterised by its incredibly friendly atmosphere. To see everyone in one place was lovely. Although I’d only been in school for a couple of weeks, I knew how lucky I was to call these people my colleagues.

This rather pleasant development was worthy of celebration, and as the night went on, the drinks were drunk, until eventually I was too. I was by no means alone in my excess, but on this occasion had far exceeded the amount which I ought to have had. As the festivities at the tapas bar were winding up, things became a little hazy.

Upon leaving at around half-past two or so, I managed to catch the wrong night bus. Instead of heading to Enfield, I awoke at the end of the line in… Walthamstow. Keen to get out of there by any means necessary, I inexplicably headed to… Canning Town.

The fact that I was now considerably further east than I wanted to be, and that it was ten to four in the morning, had been eclipsed by a more disturbing fact. Having fallen asleep on both buses, an opportunist (or multiple ones) had kindly taken the opportunity to rob me of my wallet and my phone.

And there I was, in the early morning, penniless and unable to contact anyone, deep in the East End. By some bizarre stroke of fortune, my Oyster card had been buried too far into my pocket for the thief (or thieves) to consider it safe to extract. I could, at least, get myself home.

It took a while to get back to Enfield. A bus central, and then to Camden Town, and then to Winchmore Hill, saw me arrive back at my friend’s house at 6 in the morning. The house keys, of course, were in the wallet which my dispossesser(s) had made off with. I rang the doorbell to wake my friend’s parents, who let me in.

To their credit, they were more concerned about what had happened to me than by their rude awakening at least an hour before they would normally be up. I was still in a state of shock about it all, and found the explanation sounded foreign even as I retold what had happened. I couldn’t quite grasp that this had happened to me, but the lightness of my pockets miserably confirmed that it had done.

I headed upstairs to set about finding which numbers I needed to ring to cancel my phone and my debit card. Feeling depressed about the situation, I sought solace in sleep, and awoke an hour later to deal with the implications of my own foolishness and the criminal’s selfishness.  This included phoning my mum to state that we might need a new front door lock.

As it became apparent that I would be on hold for a long time if I wished to contact the bank, I realised I would have to ring my school to let them know I could not make it in on time, and to inform them of the situation I had to attend to. The receptionist on the end of the line was reassuring and friendly, and told me that the head would understand. This put me slightly more at ease whilst I went about tidying the mess which had been created.

The phone duly deactivated, and the debit card newly nullified, I tried not to consider that I had become several hundred pounds worse off, largely due to the cost of replacing the phone. After another quick snooze which was fuelled by my need to forget the ridiculous predicament I was in, I headed school-bound.

Knowing the school to be a friendly and caring place, I had no anxieties about coming in that day. It would make me feel better to be surrounded by decent people.

As I arrived, one of the lovely office staff informed me that my wallet had been handed in to Shoreditch police station. The police had phoned my teaching union to find my workplace (having found a card in my wallet), and found my school’s number to let me know. This is admirable; the police get a lot of criticism – sometimes they ought to be praised for the good they do.

Before phoning the station to find out how to repossess my wallet, I sought out the headteacher. I was, after all, two hours late in to school. She was supremely understanding, and everyone was just glad that I myself had not been hurt. My new colleagues were making what could have been a distinctly depressing day into one which was, at least, manageable. They had lots of kind words, which did a lot to prevent me from feeling irreparably glum about it all.

Anyhow, I phoned the police and discovered (unsurprisingly) that my driving licence, bank card, and money had been taken before the wallet was discarded and then handed in. Somehow or other, it appeared to have been chucked away near the police station itself. My house keys and reward cards were safe, but my money, phone and driving licence were gone. I could at least let my mum know that the front door did not need a new lock.

I later collected the wallet after a post-school drink at the pub, which one of the TAs had kindly offered to buy me. Naturally, I ordered a soft drink. Lessons had been learnt.

After this whole malarkey, I’ve decided that returning home to be around my parents would be wise. Here I can await a new bank card, and finish the business of getting a replacement phone.

Hopefully I will have this sorted within a fortnight. Though I will be worse off, I at least remain unscathed myself. Once I’ve re-obtained everyone’s phone numbers, and have a phone on which to contact people, and once I can withdraw money as usual, this all might feel less annoying.

Alas, the crime has been reported, and the criminal(s) has to hope that the CCTV footage from the bus has not been kept. The time in which the robbery was committed is reasonably precise. Naturally, I have given the police as much information as possible, in case they decide that it is worth their time to find this presumably pathetic individual.

Learning through experience is not always the best way to learn, but I’d say that falling asleep alone on a night bus is not advisable. Especially if it’s not even the right one.

Power to me? Are you sure?

Sunday, July 4th, 2010

As a general rule, advertising consists mainly of crap. Most adverts contain statements that are, if not an entirely untrue fabrication, at the very least somewhat misleading.

To draw upon a current example, Listerine seem to be running an advert which suggests that their mouthwash is similarly powerful as the might which Moses biblically used to part the Red Sea in Christian mythology. It is mouthwash, for Christ’s (or indeed Moses’) sake. It might clean your mouth a little, at best.

There are plenty of adverts, past and present, which can be deconstructed without needing to resort to the specificity of nitpicking. The deception of most advertising is blindingly obvious, but companies rely on us suffering a bombardment of ludicrous statements until we simply believe their un-truths.

I hardly think that the “seven signs of ageing” are likely to hold up against scientific research. Nor do I think that women tend to enjoy their lunch break marvelling about the wonders of a new product which will relieve them of constipation.

Anyhow, it is Vodafone that are currently confusing the heck out of me with their current advert. This is the one.

So, right at the end, the narrator makes two comments. His first, in a gruff but emotional voice which conveys the sincerity of their pitch, is “People depend on our network”.

Fair play – I think some people would be stranded if their Vodafone mobile suddenly refused to make or receive calls.

The second statement, retaining the gruff emotion, says “Power to you”.

Wrong, wrong, wrong.

Vodafone have tried to be profound and concise, but have produced an advert which makes no sense whatsoever. It’s a complete paradox. If people depend on their network, that rather puts them in the position of power. If we could cut off Vodafone at will, then I suppose it would be ‘power’ to us.

It simply is not possible for us simultaneously depend heavily upon a mobile network, and be considered ultimately powerful because of this.

Stoopid Vodafone.

(Oh, and the main female actor is wholly unconvincing).

Information you’ve been bursting to know

Saturday, March 13th, 2010

You’ve probably always been wondering what the London Borough of Westminster decided was their “Loo of the Year”. It is with great pleasure that I can relieve you of this state of constant intrigue, by showing you precisely which toilet is the holder of the title.

The location of the City of Westminster Loo of the Year

The location of the City of Westminster Loo of the Year

Okay, okay. That’s just the sign which says where this wonderful loo is. I’ll show you the real thing.

The City of Westminster Loo of the Year

The City of Westminster Loo of the Year

Not too great is it? It doesn’t make a wonderful statement about the remainder of the public conveniences available in Wesminster. Still, darn site better than the ones in Canary Wharf. You can have all the Dyson Airblades in the world if people have been urinating everywhere but the actual urinals…

Cambridge Property Lettings Saga, Part 159

Tuesday, January 26th, 2010

There are so many bad things to say about Cambridge Property Lettings that I must be up to or beyond number 159.

My housemate Martin replied to their email which blamed our washing up for failing to let the house, overlooking the many faults with the house evident from their own neglect of it, and the fact that they seem to take a contemptuous tone when talking to student tenants. In this response, he apologised that we could not do the washing up to the standard which they expect us to do, simply by way of being courteous even to unreasonable individuals.

Today they replied. Their suggestion was, rather amusingly: hire a cleaner. Better than that, they happened to know one we could hire for £10 per hour.

Maybe they forget that, unlike them, we don’t earn thousands upon thousands of pounds by virtue of doing nothing all day. We earn nothing as trainee teachers (save a small bursary and a little loan) whilst being useful to society. They earn lots by performing a task which simply involves taking money from those who have little, and giving it to those with lots. They are worse than worthless; they hinder social progress.

It’s hard to tell sometimes if they are deliberately taking the mickey, and being a stereotypically dreadful letting agent. It seems more plausible than them actually believing that they offer a good service.

Presumably more to follow…

[Fortunately, I am up to page 8 for a Google search of Cambridge Property Lettings, raising the faint hope that other potential victims may realise the scale of their possible mistake before signing a pact with the devil].

Cambridge Property Lettings Strike Again

Monday, January 25th, 2010

The letting agent we rent our current house from is Cambridge Property Lettings. They are pioneers in the field of letting agent lousiness.

Let me remind you about the treatment we got from them when we were moving in (or trying to move in) to the house. I posted this as part of a blog on September 7 2009:

The lettings agent I’ve been dealing with are having the times of their lives scamming me out of money. Their website proclaims “minimal fees for tenants” whilst charging us £150 each to complete a form for them. They insisted that we couldn’t move in on the 28th August, but insisted with even more force that we had to be charged from that date. (You’d think that’s illegal, but apparently not). Meanwhile, in spite of the admin fees, they have sent a tenancy agreement around to us where they’ve not even spelt my surname correctly. And, upon reading the tenancy agreement, you soon discover that it’s a set of conditions that no prospective tenant should ever have to agree to, were it not for the fact that they’d essentially find themselves homeless if they didn’t submit to the unreasonable demands.

I was quite charitable there; I didn’t mention the patronising tone and attitude of contempt which truly defines their customer service. Anyhow, they decided a short while ago to begin the letting process for next year. We’d been here four months of our twelve month tenancy (though the original tenancy was only supposed to last until July, they seemed to sneak a couple extra months in), and they’re forcing us to decide if we want the house for the next year.

Few people in our position know whether they will be able to secure a job and remain in the area eight months in advance of their renewal time, but this is Cambridge Property Lettings, and it’s how they work.  It is totally unreasonable, but judging by the fees they charge to check a completed form, why not get new tenants whenever possible?

They have now showed a couple of groups round the house for next year, and earlier today I received a ’so-bad-it’s-funny’ email from one of their staff. The first paragraph explained:

Last week, we conducted several viewings at the house, as you know.  Unfortunately, the condition in which you are keeping the house has been commented upon by all the groups (even though they themselves were students) and has put them off taking the house.

They were referring to washing up, and a room ‘with so much on the floor it was not possible to go in’. This is funny on several counts. Firstly, the room they are probably referring to barely has a floor to walk on – that is how small it is. It is barely accessible anyway. Secondly, the washing up pales in comparison to the obvious signs that Cambridge Property Lettings don’t maintain the property as they should.

Where to begin? The unstoppable mould invasion on the bathroom because they won’t fit an extractor fan? The food on surfaces because there is no storage space in the kitchen? The fact that my room would have been freezing cold because the windows don’t close? The fact that the door of my room won’t close? The fact that they have left years of junk in the cupboard of our house and in the garden? The fact that one bedroom has no heating and another is tiny?

It’s just so funny that they think we’re to blame for this. Not their contemptuous tone towards others, perhaps?

Nope, apparently it was washing up wot did it.

More on Cambridge Property Lettings to follow soon. I’m not finished with these scumbags.

Lamenting the Supposed Creepiness of a Compliment

Sunday, January 24th, 2010

Via a bizarre set of circumstances, I discovered that somebody felt my toast to a friend last week was a little odd. In my toasts, of which there are only three so far, I briefly summarise what is amazing about a person whom I believe to have exceptional moral fortitude or strength of character.

All too often these days, people complain about negative things without praising positive things. I would not want to be such a person. Highlighting what I respect about people in this way is, for me, an important way of encouraging people to continue to be nice. It seems sadly true that nice people just don’t get the recognition they deserve for being so generous and considerate.

This is why any suggestion that a compliment of this nature is weird angers me greatly. Sometimes it is just decent to compliment somebody for the good that they do, without having a hidden agenda, or hoping for anything in return. Sometimes, it’s just nice to think that registering your admiration for somebody’s character might encourage them to stay strong if their resilience ever falters, which is a likely occurrence in a harsh society such as this.  It’s the same kind of sentiments which cause people to view genuine generosity with some kind of suspicion. Sometimes, people just want to do a good turn.

The only reason that it is possible to view one of my toasts, or complimentary posts as odd, is because people simply don’t compliment or thank each other enough. This is not my fault.

What makes this amusingly more anger-inducing is that the person in question attempted to use this praise as evidence for my girlfriend that she ought not be with me. Why? Because the person I praised happened to be a different girl perhaps? Who knows. But it is pathetic to twist an honest attempt to express my respect for someone into a sign that I am somehow an unreliable boyfriend. Ignorance like this troubles me.

Carluccio’s: Overpriced and Unappetising

Saturday, January 16th, 2010

I’m going to post a little review of a standard meal at one of the Carluccio’s restaurants which are popping up everywhere with increasing regularity, lest others venture into their establishments expecting a meal of any reasonable quality.

Carluccio’s really ought to be good. The man himself, a cheery old Italian named Antonio, is charismatic in his appearances during TV food scheduling. Meanwhile, the restaurants themselves are normally nicely designed; they tend to be coupled with a cafe or shop where you can procure premium-quality cooking goods and coffee.

Despite this, a meal from Carluccio’s itself is lacklustre. It lacks lustre so much, that a milligram of lustre is not to be found anywhere on its premises. It is, unfortunately, a lustre-free environment.

I have long said that you can judge a pizza restaurant by it’s margherita pizza; Carluccio’s does not deal in those beautifully delicious round nourishment disks, so my hypothesis is that you can judge this italian restaurant by its garlic bread. Their recipe appears akin to the following: chop off the end bit of a slice of bread, but make sure you’ve cut it thick. Make it very greasy and burn the back, creating a taste reminiscent of a supermarket’s economy garlic bread.

Last time I visited a Carluccio’s, I had a lasagna, which is what I did last night. I should have known better; Findus make better ones to pop in the microwave. This may well have been a microwave lasagna. It certainly resembled one.

Their service was a little slow, but polite, so I can’t really fault it. Nonetheless, you can be as pleasant as you like (and pleasant the waiting staff were), but if the food is so far below par that par is a possibly imaginary and invisible point in the sky, nobody should go to the restaurant anyhow.

My recommendation of Carluccio’s restaurant after two visits: avoid.

Hello, It’s Your Freezer Here

Wednesday, December 23rd, 2009

Last night I was in the Dadmobile as he turned round on Meredith Road in Ipswich, to get the car refuelled. A van turned the corner at a stupid speed, and due to the icy conditions, slid onto the wrong side of the road. Thankfully, nobody else was in that bit of road at the time; they would have been obliterated if they had been.  The guy driving was clearly an idiot, lacking the mental capacity to develop an ounce of common sense.

Anyhow, having turned round (which we had to do because the entrance was initially blocked by cars on the other side of the road) and entered the petroleum-vending establishment, I sat in the warmth of the car, listening to Heart FM pump out some quality adverts. To my great amusement, one of them began along the lines of “Hello, it’s your freezer here”.

It continued: “I need to be defrosted regularly so I can do my job properly”. “I am more energy efficient if you defrost me”. I’m paraphrasing, but this is pretty much the gist of it. I couldn’t help but feel that the people who made the advert had a very low estimation of the listeners’ intelligence.

How stupid do they think people are, that to tell them it’s wise to defrost a freezer, they have to make an advert wherein a freezer itself  talks to the listener? And then I realised, we live in a world where, in incredibly icy conditions, people bomb round residential street corners in a large van. Where people tailgate you in even worse conditions on a less-than-ideal stretch of road between Ely and Cambridge. People are that stupid. Even if their freezer became a big ice-cube, it wouldn’t occur to some people to defrost it. I take back my initial reservations; the advert was targeted perfectly.

Trainee Teacher Diaries #13: Even a trained monkey could do it…

Tuesday, December 22nd, 2009

In order to become a Newly Qualified Teacher (NQT) in the UK, you have to pass three skills tests. One in numeracy, one in literacy, and one in ICT. They each last a maximum of about forty minutes, and you take them at the same place where people take their driving theory tests.

I must confess that in the build up to these tests over the last few days, I had been feeling a little nervous. Not because I was expecting something which would prove too difficult, and that I would be exposed as a poor user of grammar and arithmetic. I was expecting the tests to be fairly easy. As my friend reassured me about the ICT test, ‘even a trained monkey could pass it’. Lamenting the fact that I didn’t own such a monkey, let alone one which could impersonate me and pass the test on my behalf, I realised I’d just have to do it myself.

I’ll admit, this irked me slightly. My GCSE results from all those years ago included an A* in English and an A in Maths. I naively hoped that these results might prove that I’m a tad better than a banana at spelling and whatnot. But the authorities-that-be need more proof.

So I toddled on down to the test centre earlier this afternoon. In fact, I set off about four hours ago. First up, ICT. This was the biggest challenge. The test has been designed by people who don’t appear to possess the slightest knowledge of how clever a computer is. Using a sort of fake Windows which they had designed, you have to edit documents, presentations, send emails and whatnot. I don’t have a problem on computers. I designed this blinkin’ website for christsakes. However, on their weird fake operating system, you can’t use any keyboard shortcuts. All of my zipping about between applications via ALT+TAB isn’t possible, nor is a simple CTRL+C copy. You have to do everything painfully manually. This has the effect of handicapping anyone who is proficient on a computer in a test of one’s computing abilities. Reverting back to the ancient techniques was really, really tough because all of my usual methods are practically subconscious now. Ridiculous.

Thankfully, I passed, despite the fact it doesn’t let you operate the computer more efficiently if you know how to. Anyways, next up was English, and then Numeracy. These didn’t throw any curve balls so all was well. My relief, that I hadn’t been shown up by some tests which are essentially easy, but contain banana-skins in the form of ambiguously-phrased questions and counter-intuitive fake software, was not negligible.

Maybe now I can go back to concentrating on becoming a better teacher again.